


Thank deity for homophones

by Mix Stitch (Synph)



Series: AU Meme @ Tumblr [3]
Category: Hellblazer
Genre: Gen, Vampires
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-04
Updated: 2013-03-04
Packaged: 2017-12-04 08:06:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/708441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Synph/pseuds/Mix%20Stitch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After this, John makes a point of walking with pens and pocketknives</p>
            </blockquote>





	Thank deity for homophones

**Author's Note:**

> I don’t care what the paring is or what the fandom is but I want an au where vampires are killed by a stake (the meat kind) through the heart. -welcometodelphi

All John Constantine wanted was a damn steak dinner and a good bottle of something older than his inner demons.

Of *course* that doesn’t happen. Peace and quiet never comes when he wants it to, only when he’s trying to keep from going off from boredom.

The vampires burst into the restaurant just a few minutes after John finishes convincing the hostess that they really do package their orders “to-go”. They storm the place with their fangs bared and venom spraying everywhere as they growl in a pathetic attempt to make the humans in the place scream and piss their pants. Honestly, John has pulled more fightening things out of the couch cushions in his flat. He’s not impressed and he’s certainly not getting involved unless things get wildly out of hand.

So of course things go pear shaped in a matter of minutes.

The head vampire spots John because of the hostess.

She comes running up to him with a takeout container in her hands and then says his name loud enough that the denizens of hell’s ninth level probably can hear her do it. The big lug leading the charge doesn’t miss it at all and he comes lumbering over with all of the careless bravado that comes from being too unintelligent to realize that having fangs and a silver allergy doesn’t make you an apex predator in the slightest.

“You’re Constantine,” the vampire says, dark lips peeling back to reveal pink-tinged fangs. “You don’t look like much. I don’t know why the master wants you.” He gives John a dismissive onceover and then when he looks over at his crew, they laugh in a fake way as though they’ve been trained.

John shrugs. “Maybe he thinks I’m cute?”

It’s happened before.

Apparently, implying that a centuries old vampire may have a thing for devilishly handsome wizards that chain smoke and drink themselves into oblivion is this year’s fighting words. John barely manages to duck when the vampire swings at him and does a quick job of flicking his fingers over his pockets in an attempt to find something sharp.

What John finds is… nothing.

Nothing that even vaguely resembles a stake except—

“You better have money in your pockets,” John growls at the vampire as he shoves his fingers into the takeout container and closes them around the hot steak that was fresh off the grill. Ignoring how it feels in his fingers, John thrusts it out and upward with a burning burst of magic sparking at his fingers, visualizing pushing the steak at the vampire’s chest and then *through* it.

At first, he’s not sure if it works, but then the vampire explodes into a shower of dust and John’s steak is rendered officially inedible.

After that, the rest of the vampires clear pretty fast and leave John standing in the rapidly emptying restaurant with a dusty steak clutched in his hand. John looks down at the steak and then back at the hostess almost clinging to the wall behind him. “Think I could get another steak to go?”

By the way the hostess makes a fearful noise before toppling over in a dead faint, John figures that he’ll just have to make do with a vampire crusted steak.


End file.
